


hallelujah you love him so

by janie_tangerine



Category: Supernatural
Genre: 8x07 coda, Cuddling & Snuggling, Episode Tag, M/M, POV Second Person, Schmoop, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-26
Updated: 2012-11-26
Packaged: 2017-11-19 15:31:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/574819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/janie_tangerine/pseuds/janie_tangerine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><i>If it’s worth something, your side is where I wanted to be all along</i>; <i>it’s the only place where I’ve ever wanted to see you</i>. Or, where Dean and Castiel share the Impala's backseat and some things are talked out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	hallelujah you love him so

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Maharetchan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maharetchan/gifts).



> Extremely late birthday present /o\ the prompt I was given was for the two of them having a not angsty moment in the back of the car. It never seemed to work until I went for a coda for 8x07 and here it is. Title reworked from an Animals song. Nothing belongs to me.

_I’m sorry_ , you don’t tell him as you sit in relatively comfortable silence in the back of his car. You’re not sure that it would be welcomed right now, or that it would even make sense to say it at all. You had honestly not thought that he could ever blame himself for leaving you behind when you had been the one wanting to stay. You thought that he would get it – after all, he fought you when you pulled him out of Hell more than one lifetime ago, because he thought he didn’t deserve to be elsewhere. If anyone in the world could get it, then it’d be him.

You should have known better. You know _him_ better. And you should have realized that after all the effort he had put into finding you, he wouldn’t have taken it the way you hoped. The thing is that knowing _this_ shouldn’t make you feel… not quite elated, but close. You hadn’t thought that he’d blame himself. You hadn’t thought he’d miss you that much. You hadn’t quite wanted to believe that he actually _meant_ everything he said when he found you again, in spite of all the evidence of the contrary. And now that you have to believe it, it’s not the reaction you should be having.

You can’t bring yourself to care as much as you think you should.

 _Is it selfish?_ , you’re tempted to ask him, but then you don’t – you’re not sure you want to bring that up at all. It’s nice, to sit here like this, your side barely brushing his, and you don’t want to ruin it. But you know that Dean is still thinking about it, you’ve felt it since Sam interrupted your conversation, and you know what he must be thinking right now.

 _Stop thinking that I didn’t choose to go with_ you _,_ you finally say, and your voice sounds a lot louder than you thought you would.

 _And what was that about then?_ , Dean whispers a moment later. But it doesn’t sound like a whisper, not in the still dead silence surrounding the two of you.

 _I thought I didn’t deserve to go with you. It doesn’t mean that I didn’t want to come,_ you reply, hoping that it comes through, hoping that human words don’t fail you for the umpteenth time.

Dean laughs, even if it’s more of a snort than a real laugh, and when he presses up close against you, you don’t dare moving. _I wish I could tell you you’re full of shit, but you could throw that right back at me, couldn’t you?_

And you could, and you’re glad that he realizes it, but that’s not what you think you should say, or do. _If it’s worth something, your side is where I wanted to be all along_. You doesn’t specify that _all along_ isn’t referring to just now, but to a long time. Up to when you left him to rake leaves because you didn’t want to ruin his chance at happiness – and that happened anyway.

He turns and looks at you, his eyes going wide the same way they had this afternoon, and you don’t know you’re holding your breath (since when do you breathe without even realizing it?) until his fingers press against your collarbone. _You idiot_ , he says, _it’s the only place where I’ve ever wanted to see you_. There’s so little space between the two of you right now that it’s making you feel dizzy, and you shouldn’t think about how long you’ve wished to hear him say it. You reach out with your hand, brush your fingers against his cheek, and you aren’t expecting him to close his eyes and breathe out almost in relief. It doesn’t help that it’s cramped in the back, and that you’re even closer now. You’ve held yourself back for years by now, and even in Purgatory you didn’t let yourself hold him back when he pulled you close, but there’s nothing to stop you now, is it? And before you hadn’t known what would the reaction be, but now, maybe –

You breathe in, again, and brush your lips against his without pushing, hoping that you understood right, and a moment later he has a hand curled in the hair at the back of your head and kissing you for real. It’s nowhere like the only other kiss you ever had – that one you can barely remember and you only wanted to release _something_ because you felt frustrated; this one is long and Dean’s tongue is running along your lips and his free hand is cupping your cheek, and you press against it with a sigh, feeling your own limbs melt against him. You reach out with your free hand, wrapping your arm around his middle the way you had wanted to do back there, and then he’s pressed up close and after his mouth moves away from yours to breathe, he’s kissing you again, a bit more rushed now, but there’s nothing about it that feels wrong. It all feels so very right as he moves so that your back is against the window and that you’re both more or less lying on the backseat. When he moves back again for air, you don’t wait for him and press your lips to the corner of his mouth, the back of his ear, his temple and then his mouth again; each time you feel his shoulders lose a bit more tension until you’re melting with the seat and he’s melting over you. If you had known it would feel this good you wouldn’t have waited years, and if you had known he would have welcomed it, you would have done it as soon as you realized what it was that you felt for him.

Right now, you can’t care about the mere concept of feeling being something that should be foreign to you as a species.

You want to tell him that if you could do it again you’d try to go with him because you just didn’t understand that not doing it would have just made things worse, but maybe there’s no need to.

 _I made a mistake_ , you say, and you wish your voice didn’t sound this loud even if you’re doing everything that you can to keep it down. _I don’t plan on doing it again_. You made more than one mistake, truthfully, but you know that right now there’s just one that matters.

 _Yeah? That a deal?_ Dean asks against your neck, your pulse point beating erratically right next to his mouth, and it _shouldn’t_ but you don’t care. You reach up with one hand, leaving the other around his waist, and you run it through his hair once, twice, wishing you had let yourself do that a long time ago. It took a lot to stop yourself from it in Purgatory, where everything was so _pure_ and hard to resist and where the both of you were stripped raw enough that there was no hiding what you were feeling. And you can’t seem to stop yourself now. You want to touch him everywhere for as long as you can, but for now this is more than enough.

 _Angels don’t make deals_ , you answer, and he laughs (this time is genuine), and it thrums against your neck and you want to commit that sensation to memory. You can feel him thinking _don’t ever change_ and you don’t say that you never planned on that. _But for you I can make an exception. It wouldn’t be the first, anyway._

He looks up at you, his hand grasping your cheek again, pulling himself up slightly. _Nice. Suppose I should seal it then_ , and he’s kissing you again with all the calm in the world, and you kiss him back without hurrying because why do that when there’s an entire night in front of you? _Now_ you’re feeling elated, as you press your lips against his jaw and his cheek and his mouth again.

You don’t even know that this feeling of _rightness_ surging up from inside you has somehow burst right out of you until the radio turns on without the car’s engine starting. It’s not as loud as the music Dean listened to whenever you happened to be in the car, the singer says that it’s his life and he’ll do what he wants, and Dean laughs into the kiss, his lips curling upwards.

_That was you, huh?_

You nod, and he smiles again. _Don’t feel like you need to shut it off. I like it better now._

You forget about the radio as he reaches out and closes his fingers around your arm – you had been meaning to put it around him again – and as he kisses the inside of your wrist.

You don’t need to tell him that you like this better, too.

End.


End file.
